Three weeks ago, thirteen intrepid club members took a step into the future, risking life and limb to taste Momofuku's Impossible Burger - a vegetarian, plant-based protein-patty whose scientific underpinnings have been chronicled nearly as extensively as space travel and this so-called "Global Warming." Taste tester after taste tester claimed this cow-less creation to be a meatless miracle, tasting as good (if not better) than the real thing.
But to quote OG science man and Heliocentricist Nicolaus Copernicus: "I value them not, and scorn their unfounded judgment."
The Impossible Burger is a failure on all fronts, and we have taken it upon ourselves to expose the truth and bring the sweet meat hammer of justice down upon them.
The much-heralded patty was razor thin, and while the first bite was somewhat burger-like, each successive mastication was a downward spiral of taste and textural mediocrity. While the bun, greens and sauces (particularly the ssam sauce) were perfectly fine, what you ended up with was an overpriced, underperforming fast-food standby. The American Flag toothpick only served to remind us just how far we had fallen.
One reviewer said it best: "I guess if I was drunk I might mistake it for a terrible burger."
The waitress was rude, condescending and dismissive, and wouldn't give us an extra stool for our 13th guest. The value was non-existant when you think about how you could get two Shake Shack doubles for the same price. Only the fries shined, with a satisfying, McDonalds-y crunch and pleasing salty flavor.
The only thing sadder than the "burger" was the "Andrew as a Person" rating. Between a slightly tardy arrival, mildly fashion-forward clothing choices, and lack of a watch, I was lucky to escape with a 1.4/10. Like the Impossible Burger, it seems that I too share the Pinocchio-like dream of a world that accepts me as I am...